Monday, March 28, 2005


I left Manila with a void in my heart. I came back complete. I found myself in the most unlikely place, in an island where people go to forget.

Boracay for me will never be the same again. It served as my catalyst to help me renew my faith… to God, to friends, to love, to life… and most especially to myself. I rediscovered my essence. I found my being.

Boracay is not about the chorizo burgers, nor the sumptuous to-die-for grilled seafoods. It’s neither the happy-hour pitcher daiquiris nor the countless Tequila shots in Cocomangas. It’s neither the endless parties nor the 500 Pesos Spa in Station 2. The best things in Boracay are actually free.

It’s the simple things that are unforgettable.

How I marveled looking at the full moon while its beauty was reflected on the low tide sea… how I was left at awe with the amazing sandcastles built by the friendly kids inhabiting the island… How I was almost teary eyed watching the glistening ocean bed while everyone was having their fix and taking a dip on the beach. How… how fulfilling it was to burry your feet in the powdery white sands while spending countless hours talking to someone who totally understood your being… someone who listened, and someone who at that very point in time was one with me in spirit.

My last day in the island was with mixed feelings. I was in a roller coaster ride and it was so fast it left me breathless. It was hard for me to leave because I know that a part of me will stay there and I will never see myself in the same light again.

The change could be for the better or for the worse… I don’t know, but all I know is that it’s inevitable. Holding back has been limiting me for quite some time now and it was time for me to let go. And by letting go I was able to breathe freely and put things in perspective…

I discovered lots of things in the island. I found my limitations. I found my weaknesses. I found my strengths. I even found some things about myself I never knew existed. I didn’t know I was capable of rage, of utmost anger. I didn’t know I was capable of unconditional love. All these things happened in the last 24 hours before I left this island paradise. I found my sanctuary. I found utopia.

It was one of my best journeys, a life’s stone marker. The sun was about to set when we left the island. He was kissing me goodbye but I wasn’t sad because I knew that the next time I see him, the sun will be there to greet me with its full potentials.

I closed my eyes and felt the last heat that he, the sun, was emitting. It was priceless.

Sunday, March 20, 2005


Miss Tracy Chapman,

I'm not sure if I can take the ride with you. I'm scared. I know myself. I'd be really hurt if things would go wrong. You're everything that I've wished for. You make me smile, you make me think. You make me believe in magic. I never knew that this type of fun was even possible and I thank you for that. But as it is I'm very vulnerable. I'm very fragile at the moment and if I break now, I don't think even all the king's horses will be aple to put me back together again. Thanks for warning me this early. Thank you for the time and believe me, it was one of the best that I've ever spent with someone. Take care, too bad that I am weak, too bad that I can't take the risk.

Humpy Dumpy

Saturday, March 19, 2005


I burried my feet
inside the sand

of sorrows.
I felt the beat
and saw the soul
that grounds you.

The comfort that you gave,
the words that you uttered,
has enveloped me
like the sky
has embraced the sea.

When the moon
decides to fade,
I'll take your hand.
And we'll dance
to the sun
that never sets.

For this is my power,
And my power
is unconditional.
This is my vow.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


I was wearing my favorite little red shirt and I went deep inside the jungle.

For the nth time, I found myself in the very same spot, drinking the very same cocktail, dancing to the very same song again. I saw this unforgiving beast slowly making his move. I slowly waited for the wolf to eat its prey. The eyes was hypnotic… I found myself powerless. I submitted.

The moon was shining with its full glory. I was actually the one who’s always on the hunt and I was surprised how the tables quickly turned the other way. This was abnormal… paranormal, more like it.

The wolf took my hand and brought me back into the woods. I can’t move. The wolf pinned me down and slowly started to take my breath away. It was the point of no return. Then it started, the lost of innocence and the kiss of death.

“I will own you tonight.” I marked the words of the beast.

Twenty minutes later I was back in my crib. The beast continued with his feast.

It was like looking in the mirror. I saw myself. I saw the familiar moves. I heard the familiar groans. But this time it wasn’t me who’s in control. I was enjoying being in the bottom. The wolf gave its final and full thrust. I died in ecstasy.

Two hours later I woke up. My favorite little red shirt was lying beside my feet. The beast was fast asleep. I was staring outside my window. The stars bid their goodbye. I looked into the wolves closed eyes and tried to listen to its irregular heartbeat which I cannot make sense.

I told myself “This will never make sense. Bedtime stories are for kids. I would be a fool to believe that this will end happily ever after.”

That night, I tried my best to sleep. I was hoping that I would never wake up. I wished for a never-ending fairytale. Once again it never came true.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


After cleaning some more inside my room, I chanced upon an old folder that I haven’t opened for more than a year now. Inside it were old school literary magazines. I was a contributor back when I was still in high school. I was browsing through the pages and was surprised by some of the poems I wrote. They were subversive, raw and unapologetic. I was around fifteen then. What a difference a decade made.

I miss that little boy. I miss his drive. I miss his cry. I miss his voice…

Mga patak sa tisang bubong
(by a 15 year old Pao-pao)

Natulog ang buwan kagabi.
habang ang kanyang bibig
ay patuloy na humabi
ng mga mitolohiyang
walang kapararakan.

Nagalit ang mga bituin
habang nakatanghod ang
nimpa sa kalawakan.
nag-aabang, naghahanap,
ng kandungang niyang

Ang mga yabag
niyang dahan-dahan…
Ang mga awit niyang
walang katapusan…
Ang mga bulong
na pilit niyang
ipinararating sa hangin…

Bakit sa tisang bubong ko’y
sumisigaw ang ulang
hindi mapipigilan?

Natulog ang buwan kagabi
habang lumuluha ang nagtatagong araw.

Monday, March 14, 2005


Welcome to my crib... if the walls could only talk... it will tell you countless tales of great fun and stories of great adventures that will rival even those of the Arabian nights. I adore this place so much, it is where I am most free and I most creative. And hey guess what ... my home sweet home will soon be a star!

I'll be doing an audio visual presentation this coming Tuesday and I'm all toes in cleaning because we're shooting inside my humble abode. It's basically your typical batchelor's pad... but here’s the catch… they'll use it for a sanitary napkin infomercial. Talk about the little ironies in life, huh!?

I always consider my place butch and manly. True, there maybe trinkets that would suggest otherwise like the Russian dolls, the gaudy orange doormat and or the zebra print throw pillows... but hey, one’s place does need a hint of color and texture right? My place reeks of “Alpha-male-ism” if there’s ever such a term. I believe that the testosterone level here is so high, that if you can just box up the energy that it emits it can actually power up a sizable chunk of the metro.

I actually don’t understand why. I hope it doesn’t say anything about the owner but then again, come to think of it… I may actually be the energizer bunny that I was unconsciously trying not to be. I’m always hyper, can’t stand being at one place at one time, and am always on the look out for some action whatever and wherever that maybe. And… uhmm… I think too much… that sometimes it clutters my mind.

Just like my home I think, you can’t figure what it wants to be. Perhaps it’s too adventurous for its own good? It’s shabby chic on one side, zen on the other… and the rest is kitsch and camp. There’s one unifying element though, all the things here are of great interests, they’re all important to me. Each object here I’m happy to say… I learned from them and I experienced life with them.

I sometimes may be too cluttered, directionless, a tad laid back for my own good… an alpha-male sometimes (haha… I wish), but I don’t regret anything that I did, cause I learned a great deal from them. These experiences… the people that I meet, my actions and my inactions… it sums me up. It makes me who I am. It completes me.

And then again… maybe it’s all just a lame excuse for my attention deficit disorder... haha... go figure…

Life's little trinkets... Posted by Hello

Guardians and masters Posted by Hello

She stares by the window... Posted by Hello

Welcome to Dreamland... Posted by Hello



Sorry "Bestest", I take everything back. Sorry for being so melodramatic. You know I love you to bits and pieces. Happy Birthday!!! You're my modern everyday god and you rock my world!


Sunday, March 13, 2005


Sunday, 5:30 in the morning. When most people in this side of the world were sleeping, I was there dancing on the dance floor, listening to some of the greatest anthems, drunk and had no intention of calling it a day. I was out with friends doing what we do best… Celebrating single-blessedness to the fullest.

I had so much fun last night. I did some things that I’m not proud of but I’m not making any excuses. At least I’m man enough to admit that.

Hypocrisy is lurking around the corner of my door and I just hate it. I can’t fathom the fact that I’m slowly disliking some people who have been a dear part of my life for quite some time now. I know myself. It’s not easy to piss me off but if I loose my temper then that’s it. There’s no tuning back. Everything leads to indifference. It’s actually better for me not to like someone than not to feel anything for someone at all.

I can’t imagine how people can easily throw away their convictions just like that. After mocking the very same place and the very same people for apparently bursting their holy bubble I see them on the same premise sporting that holier-than-thou look again. Why go to a place if you feel that people around there are not your equals? It’s hypocrisy to the nth power.

How can people be so full of themselves? I always thought that being a modern day god is just a euphemism but apparently people do think that way. They believe that they’re above everyone else, that they’re supreme beings… that it’s a privilege for us lesser beings to be associated with them. God… how pathetic?

I better stop bitching because I’m turning into the very same person that pisses me off. I’m one of the good guys… or maybe that’s what I would want to think. But really I can never think so lowly of someone, I may not approve of what they do or what they believe but I respect them as human beings. I just need some space from these people and I think I’ll be ok with them again.

Back home, I listened to more anthems and danced some more… “Always waitin' for someone to make me happy… pick me up, I realize that someone is me. What you call life, that ain't livin'… Bless the child that's got his own. It's my season, now I stand alone. Just thought that I would let you know. Some things you just can't control.” Deborah Cox reaffirmed my religion.

Friday, March 11, 2005


Control is a word
I loathe to hear.

For the moribund air
will cast its doubts, and
the timid ways
can shut its doors,
and yet time
will never be of waste.
It will always
be the essence.

Why is the body damned
for its fractured singing?
Why dampen more the spirit,
when the flesh is weak?

are tasteless.
Guess what?
I dare not make any.