Thursday, April 28, 2005


Kundangan kasi’y
naglabas pa
ng ibang mapagpipilian…
At bakit di na lang nakuntento
sa kokakolang hatid ri’y
pamatid-uhaw na kagyat.

Kundangan kasi’y
naimbento pa
ang kung tawagi’y nutra-sweet…
Naisara tuloy ang mga azucarerang
disin sana’y taga-paghatid
ng tamis at dyabetis.

Kundangan kasi’y
natagpuan ko pa
ang pag-ibig mong walang saysay…
di tulad ng latang recycable
na pagkatapos gamiti’y
may bukas pang naghihintay.

Hindi man lang nila naisip
na sa bawat bukas
at sa bawat lagok,
ay lalung hahanapin
ng manhid kong katawan
ang sarap at tabang
ng kung anong
nakakalasong kemikal.

Tulad ng pag-ibig mong carcinogenic,
subalit siguradong
ang siya nitong


Friday, April 22, 2005


“Pao-pao san ka? Tagal natin di nagkita ah.”

I got a familiar text from a seemingly familiar number while I was listening to this “baduy” love song from Aegis. I was finishing a script when the beep from my phone caught me by surprise. I haven’t seen this familiar number appearing on my phone for almost 12 months now. Someone from the past has decided to haunt me again. But surprisingly I didn’t feel scared, as a matter of fact I was actually quite excited. I dialed the number and heard that familiar voice that I’ve tried to avoid for reasons I’d rather keep to myself. What felt awkward for the first 30 seconds became the most normal feeling in the world for the next five minutes or so. He politely asked what I was doing; I answered him in a manner that was a bit trivial. There was this nervous laughter all through out from both sides.

“Coffee later?” I asked.

“Sounds good to me. See you after work?” He answered.

What a difference a year makes. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I cannot actually remember what state I was in last year. I do know that I was a bit directionless, na├»ve, I was spending a lot on nonsense stuff, and I was spending a lot of time with people of no sense. “Poster Boy” was a breath of fresh air. He was one of the few people who actually understood what I was going through. He knew how to make me laugh. We’d converse for hours and hours. We usually wouldn’t agree with a given point but we’d respect our different views. We’d laugh at each other’s jokes no matter how corny they were.

We enjoyed each other’s company. That’s what I remembered the most.

“Later then.” I said bye and hang up my phone.

I couldn’t help but utter some lines from the Aegis song… “Nananaginip ng gising… nakatulala sa hangin…” Fuck. Last song syndrome.

I finished earlier than the usual. Wednesday early evening is usually a dead day but for some reason everyone decided to go out. Everyone was headed to the mall. Got a message from “Poster Boy”.

“I’m in Tower 1st floor”. He texted.
“Am here. 5 min.” I replied.

There were just so many people going to and coming out of the mall that my 5 min became 10, then 15. When I arrived the record bar I saw this familiar figure, listening to some tracks at the listening station, humming some words I can’t seem to understand.

I saw Nina’s poster covering half of “poster boy”. He was humming to the “it” love song at the moment… “Love moves in mysterious ways”. I tried humming it on my mind too.

“Hey there… sorry I’m late.” I said.

He gave me that familiar grin. “Hmmm… never change, huh?.” He smiled.

I didn’t know what to answer. I just smiled back at him.

“So where do we go for coffee?” He asked.
“Don’t ask me, I’m Mr. Passive…” I answered.
“Haha… what’s new?” He replied.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t help but smile back again.

We ended up in Gloria Jeans. We munched on those sinful cinnamons while trying to reconnect with each other. One year of not conversing was no joke. There were so many things to talk about. We didn’t know where to start. He told me that I lost weight. I told him that he looked better now. He told me about his new job. I told him about my new job too. He told me new stuff about him. We talked about the old stuff that we remembered from the past. We were laughing all the time while remembering the happy days that we’ve shared before.

“How in the world did we meet again?” I asked. I can’t remember how everything started. It felt so irrelevant to me because what I felt important was the feelings that we’ve shared and not the details. I felt the details were trivial.

He pointed at the direction of 6750 Ayala Ave

“There… you don’t remember?” He told me.
“What did we do?” I asked.
“You want me to enumerate it to you?” He asked.
“Ok… do you remember?” I dared him.

“We met at the entrance of 6750… then we had coffee at Starbucks… then we went to Fort at this bar beside Price Smart… Bora bar… then Malate…” He tried to refresh my memory.

“Did we go to BED Bar?” I asked.
“Nope… we just drank at Fidel.” He answered.
“That was it?” I asked.

“Nope… that was the first day. We went back to your place. Slept. Then watched movies in the morning. Then I accompanied you to your work cause it was my break. Your office was in front CCP right?” He had perfect memory of what happened all through out.

“We walked around the bay. Talked more and ….”

“And what?” I asked.
“We had inihaw na pusit for merienda. Walked and talked more and I hailed you a cab and you went home…” He concluded.

Everything was still fresh in his mind. It seemed like it just happened yesterday. He spoke in a very enthusiastic manner and he also got me excited by doing so. I don’t really remember all the details but I remembered the feeling that I was having when I was with him during that day. We were like kids, exploring new places, new grounds that both of us we’re not familiar with.

“Grabe daming nangyari after that… nag-away pa nga tayo diba?” He said.

“Don’t go into that. Happy thoughts lang ok.” I said.

There was this awkward beat afterwards. I smiled. He smiled back. We ended up laughing at each other. So many things have changed between the two of us but that familiarity and that feeling of being at ease with each other stayed the same.

We walked around the mall, slightly brushing each others arms occasionally.

“Hey, join me, have to buy something for HIM before I go home. ” He said.
“You never change. Sweet ka pa rin sa kanya.” I answered.
“Four years… some things never change dude.” He told me.

Then reality hit me. Some things never really change.

Feelings evolve, time passes but some constant will forever be constant.

After buying food. He brought me near my station.

“Hey, dude. I missed you. Thanks for taking some time off. You text me ok. I’m not doing much next week. Let’s hang out again ok.” He said.

“Will do.” I smiled and nodded my head signaling my goodbye.

I caught his last stare. I heard his seemingly nervous laughter. I slowly walked the other way and entered my station. The centralized radio was playing another “baduy” love song…”Some good things never last”. Coincidence? I don’t know. I didn’t really care.

I was softly humming the chorus. I didn’t mind. I'm such a hopeless romantic.

It’s fun to be baduy sometimes.

Monday, April 18, 2005


I met him a month ago.
He didn’t really make that much impression. I meet a lot of people everyday. I have lots of acquaintances and they would usually stay as such, nothing more but acquaintances. I’m very friendly but my true friends know that I’m very picky with friends. I may have the aura of being very open but it would usually take time for someone to gain my trust. It would take time for someone to really get to know what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.

Phix came without a warning, at a time when I was feeling so low. I was having problems left and right… with my finances, with my work, my friends were too busy to notice that I was crying for help. To make matters worse, I was having “problems with the heart”.

I never felt so alone. I was pretending that I was ok but deep inside I was on the brink of collapse. Phix stayed with me as I battled my own storm. He was there 24/7, literally... 14 straight days of unconditional platonic love. He would talk to me, he listened, he laughed with me, he cried with me, he cooked for me, he ate with me, he taught me stuff which other people might find elementary but the philosophies that he shared were more than enough to comfort me through my most difficult times.

He became my confidant in an instant. We would talk about destiny and we’d usually agree that fate and serendipity play a major part in one’s life. He believes that Wanggo (my bestfriend) is his destiny, and funny enough the person responsible for my “heart problems” would always pop-up from nowhere whenever Phix and I would go out. Phix would usually tease me that Miss Tracy Chapman and I are meant to be together because it’s too much of a coincidence for me to bump in to her even in the most unlikely place.

For Phix, everything happens for a reason.

Without me knowing it, everything did happen for a reason. The two special people in our life played as catalysts. We were each other’s destiny… especially at the moment when we needed someone to confide to, at that point in time when we were really feeling miserable and low. But what happens now when everything is ok… when we have already moved on?

Phix is such a rare find especially these days when everyone you meet tends to be superficial. Unfortunately the bad side of me can’t reconcile this way of thinking. I am superficial. Phix and I are getting too close for comfort. I need to detach myself from the tempest otherwise things will be more complicated in the end. The storm has settled and I’m ready to face the world again. Alone. I can only function efficiently if I do things on my own. How do you tell that to someone who has been so unconditional all through out?

I need to find myself again… and only time and space can help me now.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Miss Tracy Chapman,

I took the risk and I continued with the ride. But on the highway you suddenly stopped the car without a warning. So... everything was just a joke then? I’m not laughing. Listen. From now on I’m the one who’s in control. It’s over. I took the key and ran off with the car when you were in the john peeing. I’m riding my own ride now. On my own phase, just the way I like it.

Bye, catch me if you can… you slag!

Humpy Dumpy

Friday, April 01, 2005


I’m in a roller coaster ride these past few days and I’m tired of feeling the extremes of being indefinite. I hate reading people, I hate mind fucking. I hate being on the other side of the fence where in I can’t do anything but wait. I don’t want to be the prey. I want to be the hunter not the one being hunted. But for some reasons that I can’t explain I’m powerless this time around.

My instincts are failing me, my formulas aren’t working…. I’m falling and the worst thing is I’m falling for the right person but in an absolutely wrong time.

It’s really never about the right person… is it? Love is about finding yourself together with someone who’s feeling the exact same feeling as you are at exactly the same time. Right timing is always the key. If you’re a second too late then goodbye… you’ve just missed the trip, you have to wait for the next right time.

Everyone gets to ride this bus called love, but the question is will you be able to get there at the stop before the bus leaves? And if ever you do get there, how sure are you that the person beside you is riding the right route. What if you accidentally took the wrong bus? Okay, forgive me if my analogies aren’t that clear but I suppose you get the picture. Love is so damn complicated. Relationships are not for the weak of hearts. I always say that it will never get the best of me… that I will always be the one in control but whenever I’m already on that situation I can’t help but get lost in this labyrinth.

But you know what… it’s fun. That’s why I’m always looking forward to it…falling in love. It makes life worth living. It gives that fire in the belly, the butterflies in the stomach, that feeling that is just so difficult to explain… that magic.

Damn… I like this ride and there’s nobody who can stop me from riding it over and over again.